Big city, bright lights, dark alleyways...
Even at ten at night, Chicago's lit up and bright as day, people rushing everywhere, places to go, things to do. As the lights blaze and the city hums, someone stands in a dark alley, a phone to their ear, their foot tapping. The phone rings, once, twice, then again, when suddenly, the phone clicks, and someone out in the suburbs answers.
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One hand grabs the ringing phone as the other frantically pushes buttons and jabs at analog sticks. The call button is push and the phone is transferred from fingers to shoulder and ear as both hands return to the game controller. With his eyes train on the screen, where a digital grim reaper is fighting his way across the screen, Greg answers.
"Hello?" He asks, only half listening for the answer.
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In the alley, the question is heard.
"Greg?" The girl asks, "Something's kinda come up...You're gonna have t-"
The words are cut off by a sound of celebration, then, "What?"
"I can't make it to he concert, Greg, I need you to fill in for me."
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Greg, still focus on the game, tries to remember what he's just heard.
"You need me t- WHAT?!" Greg drops the controller, all his attention now on the phone, as an ancient looking scroll sporting the words 'Game Over' appears on the screen and a skeleton begins to laugh at the boy in front of the tv.
"I can't... but...why..." Greg stammers before exclaiming, "Couldn't you call Chris?!"
"Dude, Chris is in Japan, remember?"
"Isn't there someone else? I can't do it! I-" Greg starts.
"Greg, I'm your instructor, remember? I taught you what you know, and I've heard you play everyday. I sure you can do this."
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There's a pause on the phone. A voice lacking most any trace of confidence asks, "A concert, Skye? Really? You want me to play at a concert?
"Were you listening at all to what I just told you?" Skye asks, "Or have you been preoccupied playing Skeleton Keys?"
Immediately the phone erupts into a guilty cry, "No!"
Skye snickers.
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Greg looks guiltily at the tv, still flashing the Skeleton Keys game over screen, as Skye tries again to boost his confidence.
"Dude, do you really think you'd be the first person I'd call if I didn't think you were good enough?"
Greg sits for a moment to try and fully take in this statement.
"I was the first one you called?"
"Of course."
Greg thinks for a moment. There were plenty of other people Skye could have called, but he was the first?
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A sneaking suspicion fills the air as Skye begins to wonder whether Greg's hung up on her. 'If he did...'
"Okay, fine," the phone suddenly comes to life, surprising her for a moment. "I'll go but when my mom finds out-"
"Is that the problem?" Skye asks nonchalantly, "Well if that's the case..."
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"The one that weighs a ton? Yeah, it's right here, why?" Greg crouches in his closet and pulls out a metal case, the contents of which are unknown, even to him.
"It doesn't weigh a ton, you're just weaker than a kindergartner." the phone teases.
"I told you, I let him win." Greg mumbles, pulling the case from the closet.
"Whatever. Just make sure you bring the case. As long as you've got a good excuse for being out so late and some 'witnesses', that case is basically your get-out-of-trouble-free pass."
"Okay, but how am I supposed to get there?" Greg asks skeptically.
"I'm sure you'll find something out."
"Yeah, that's helpful."
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"Well, good luck then." Skye replies.
"Thanks." There's a click and the phone goes dead. Skye shuts her phone and turns to an open door in the side of one of the buildings. She walks inside without a word and the door begins to swing shut behind her.
"Hey, make sure you wash your hands now!" a voice calls from inside.
"That's what I'm doing, Scout." Skye calls, "Watch out for-" A crash. The sound of laughter is the last thing to come from the kitchen before the door shuts completely and locks. On the roof of the building opposite, a silhouette glares at the door, waiting. Waiting for his chance.
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Greg hangs up the phone, slinging the case of his should by the shoulder strap. He stand, pondering, until a look appears on his face, suggesting a cartoon light bulb would feel right at home hovering over is head. He grabs the phone again and runs to the stairs.
"Hey, Rick!" Greg calls.
"WHAT?" yells a clearly irritated voice. 'Good,' thinks Greg as he dials the phone, 'He's in a good mood.'
The phone barely rings once when it's picked up and an overly enthusiastic "Hello! emanates from the phone.
"I need you to drive me somewhere!" Greg yells up the stairs before turning to the phone, "Jackson. If anyone asks, I'm at your house tonight, okay?"
"Why? Are we hanging out? You wanna play a game? Should I-"
"No, Jackson. I need you to lie like you've never lied before." Greg says, trying to keep as quiet as possible.
"Oooh, okay. I get it." Jackson hangs up the phone as Rick appears at the top of the staircase.
"I'm not taking you anywhere! Why should, you little emo..." Rick stomps down the stairs as he shouts, getting cut off as he reaches the bottom by a voice from the kitchen.
"Rick, be nice to your brother," their mother calls. She looks out the door, "Greg, where're you going?"
"Jackson's house. I'm going to, uh, spend the night."
She turns to Rick, "Marcus, you can-"
"Moomm."
"You name is Marcus, that's what I call you, that's who you are, and you are the boy who's going to drive their brother to Jackson's house," Greg's mom gives Rick a look. Rick crosses him arms and scowls for a bit, before finally giving in.
"Fine." He pushes Greg aside and storm out the door, calling, "C'mon, Dummkoff!"
Greg glares after Rick before running out after him while his mom returns to the kitchen. In the empty living room, the tv flashes its messages while the skeleton laughs. After a moment, the screen flickers, then goes black before lighting back up. Again, the screen shows an ancient scroll with the words game over inscribed on it. The skeleton is gone, and in it's place is a figure in a black cloak with the hood pulled over it's eyes and a scythe in hand. It looks up and one a pair of red eyes glows from beneath the hood. The screen flickers again, before going black again, this time for good.
I wanted to do something scary for Halloween, and I wanted to post a journal entry I did. So I did both. It didn't hurt that the journal entry was a scene I wrote for I story I came up with that's already supposed to be kinda scary. I wrote this in present tense and from two different perspectives because I wanted to try something different. I caught myself switching to past tense several times though, so tell me if I missed any of those spots. Btw, those squiggly lines mean the story is switching perspectives.
ReplyDeleteWow, this was an amazing story. You should definitely expand it. There were a couple of grammar mistakes but I didn't see any past tense. Very creepy and very well written. Please expand.
ReplyDeleteAmazing writing piece! Like Derek said there was a few grammar mistakes but it was creepy. you could make this into a great story so please expand on it!
ReplyDeleteThis is great!!! I agree that you should definitely expand on this. There were a few mistakes, like Derek and Hannah said, but they were minor. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks. It is part of a story, I just haven't written it down yet. I still haven't decided whether I want to make it a graphic novel type thing, or just print. A graphic novel type thing might better provide the image I'm trying to get, but would probably take longer and be more liable to just be left unfinished, so I'm not getting anywhere anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteThis is really great, Jordan! Very Halloween-like. You should probably put an author's note on it, but then again I still stand with by belief that a story such as this should stand on its own. I like how you put your own persona character (Skye) into it and added a cool story to it. Please expand, and don't give up! I've written a 50 page story before in size 8 font!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what everyone here is saying. I think you definitely should expand this piece, it got a little confusing at times and if you expanded it, it would give the reader a better understanding of what is going on. Other than that, I think you did a really good job writing this piece, and it was definitely creepy. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteJordan, you are an amazing fiction writer! I definitely think you should expand on this also because it has the potential to be really good. Like Alaina said, you should have a authors note before the piece. The first comment you made might work really well for this.
ReplyDeleteAltssa, the comment is actually meant to be the author's note. I didn't want it to be seen until after the story was read, for unknown reasons.
ReplyDeleteAlaina, you wrote fifty pages in size 8 font?! That's amazing. The most I've ever written is 11, 13 pages, I think, in size 12 font, so my longest story doesn't even hold a candle to yours. (plus that story took me about two weeks to write, so I wouldn't even have the patience for fifty.)
Jordan you are an excellent fiction writer! I do not think that you should give up on writing this story. Even if it only turns out to be 13 pages instead of fifty, a short story is just as good as getting the point across as a full-blown book. Although this piece was very neat, I also believe that you should put an author's note in this peice. If you do not want it at the beginning, then I would suggest adding it at the end of the story. I also think it's cool how you changed the perspective throughout the piece. You are such an excellent writer Jordan and it would be a shame if you writing went unwritten. I'm very impressed with your fiction skill.
ReplyDeleteLike I said before, the first comment is the authors note. And it's not that I gave up on the story, it's just that I haven't written it down yet.
ReplyDeleteOh, I found some spots when you used past tense!
ReplyDeleteIn the last giant block, you said 'Greg hung up the phone' instead of 'hangs up the phone'.
You also said 'his mom returned to the kitchen' instead of returns, in one of the last sentence.
Other than that, I don't see anything!
This was good. I've been working on the same story for a while and every time I edit it, I like it less. This inspires me to write something better.
ReplyDeleteJordan that was really good! I did see some grammar mistakes but other than that it was amazing! I really think you should expand on it!
ReplyDeleteThis was so good Jordan! It is very suspenseful, and I hope that you continue the story. To be honest, I think that it would work better as a short story than a comic, just because I think it is better for the reader to visualize what is happening, rather than pictures, but it is your choice. There were a few spelling mistakes but nothing major. Awesome job and please expand!
ReplyDeleteAmazing story Jordan!!! I really liked it. It was confusing at times but that just added to the Halloween like feel that you wanted it to have. Nice job!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate it when I never have enough time to get to the good part. I hate it even more when there's a cliffhanger and there isn't even the good part in the first place. FILE NEEDS EXPANSION!!!!!!!!!!!!
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